Who has it worse?

I was recently talking to one of my girlfriends who's husband just left on deployment. She felt like she had no room to complain as he was "only" going on a 4 month deployment, and many of her friends had husbands who were gone for 6 months. I told her that she shouldn't feel that way at all, because the fact that my husband is gone for 6 months doesn't make it any easier that hers is gone for 4. Ever since becoming a Navy wife I have run into people trying to play the "who has it worse" game. Air Force versus Navy. Surface versus subs. Fast attacks versus boomers. Who has to move more? Who has to deploy longer? Who has less communication? Who has to work longer days in the shipyard? Who can win the competition for the most miserable life? Somebody always has it easier than you, but somebody also has it harder too. This doesn't just apply to the military, this is life in general. It's hard to keep things in perspective sometimes, and I am no exception to the negative thoughts. A few weeks ago someone complained to me that they were grumpy because they didn't sleep well. I didn't say anything, but couldn't help thinking, "Wow, that must be really hard. Not sleeping well for a night. I haven't slept well since I was born. And I'm grumpy because I won't see my husband for months, or hear from him for weeks." But the fact that I see my problems as being more significant doesn't change the fact that not sleeping well for one night was hard on that person. The same friend I was talking to the other day told me about a wife she met who had a husband on the USS Jimmy Carter. The Jimmy Carter is a Seawolf-class submarine that deploys about 300 days out of the year. It's designed to spy and do all sorts of things that we don't know about, so you can bet that they have limited communication. There's someone who has it worse than I do. But does telling that wife, "Oh, I'm so sorry about how bad you have it," help her at all? Does it help me have it any easier? The answer is no. And it's not so simple as longer deployment being harder. I had a conversation a few weeks ago with another submarine wife about this. She read a forum somewhere asking submarine wives, "Which would you prefer: shipyard work, 3 month deployment or 6 month deployment?" She said that hands down the popular answer was 6 month deployment. This seems surprising until you think about it. It takes about a month, maybe two, to get used to a deployment-- get into a new routine, and accept that you won't be able to talk to your spouse everyday. With a 3 month deployment, you are just getting into a routine when they come back. Then they come home for 3 months, and while you get used to that they are ready to leave again. This is the typical schedule for boomers. Shipyard work is miserable, and the low job satisfaction makes for grumpy people. They work on a rotating shift schedule, including a graveyard shift (or "mids" as they call it) and there's no telling whether they will be home for dinner. Wives said they would rather have their husbands out for 6 months on an interesting mission, and come home happy than deal with the long miserable hours of shipyard work. So, there are ups and downs to everything. There is no "who has it worse" measuring tape.